Waiting

This week  is the first time I have felt a bit discouaged and began to doubt that anything was really happening.  I was thinking maybe we are waiting for nothing.  Maybe we would never get a call from our attorney. Maybe she is working with so many clients that we have fallen through the cracks.  I talked with two of my frineds who have blazed this path before me but with adoption agencies.  They both said that this is normal during this process.  You get to that point where you just sit and wait.  One friend really encouraged me when she told me that the waiting time is when God worked in her life so much. God taught her to Be still before Him and wait on Him and His timing. I keep saying that His timing is perfect.  The truth is that I still want it in my time, on my terms and conditions, when everything is in place and ducks are in a row and we have our beautiful baby room (well half of Caris' room) ready and all the accessories and all the beautiful family photos of our family holding up a sign that says waiting for you or growing in my heart or something really cool like that.  The truth is that maybe God will use this time in my life.  There is no maybe about it. He will use this time. Time to teach me what is important. Time to make me dependent on Him. Time to show me what is important and that He is all I need. Not all the stuff. When I get totally honest with myself, it is not that I fear a baby will never come.  I fear that I will long for her and miss her so deeply before she comes,  that it  will break my heart.  I don't want to hurt. I don't want it to take long enough for me to ache for her. I don't want to get uncomfortable.  I want the picture perfect scenerio and then my beautiful baby girl will come home.  But what does God want?  Maybe he wants to break my heart for what breaks His.  Maybe He just wants me to Be still before Him and Wait on Him to reveal His plan.  And then, he expects me to be obedient, no matter how it feels.

Oh God, change my heart and help me to Wait on You, no matter what.

I did call our attorney and briefly spoke to her. She said no babies were coming her way right now.  

So we  wait.
Shannon